


Fixin' to Thrill

by ElisAttack



Series: My Crack Fics [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Fanart, Fluff and Crack, Halloween, M/M, Minor Non-Con in the form of a Thrall, Vampires, Whipped Cream, but honestly this is serious crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-31
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-29 02:39:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5113148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElisAttack/pseuds/ElisAttack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek spins him around and looks him over,  "what the hell are you wearing?"  He asks incredulously, obviously just noticing Stiles' costume.</p><p>Stiles strikes a pose, "don't I look good?" </p><p>Or the one where Scott bugs out of being the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and Stiles has to buy whipped cream instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fixin' to Thrill

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly don't know what the heck this is, but I made some art of a Stiles Halloween costume and I wanted to write something about it and this big ball of weirdness happened...
> 
> Happy Halloween!

 

 

[Tumblr link to art](http://iamonlydancing.tumblr.com/post/131257709587/heh-this-is-totally-stiles-halloween-costume-i)

 

When Stiles threw together a costume last minute, he never imagined that Halloween night would go the way it did. 

Originally, he and Scott planned to go as a Ghostbuster and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but then Kira pouted and suggested a couple Harold and Maude costume instead, pulling out a braided brown wig out of her bag and placing it on Scott's head with flourish. 

Stiles had to relent, because that, _that_ was brilliant.  Who would have thought that Scott could rock the snarky older woman?  Not Stiles, but Kira never doubted her boyfriend for a moment.  Not to mention she makes a perfect Harold with her katana tucked at her side.

Stiles is left with no choice but to abandon the Ghostbusters idea.  After all there's nothing more lonely than one Ghostbuster with no super villain to thwart.  Stiles has to improvise.

Fortunately, canned whipped cream was two for one at the supermarket. 

A quick raid of Erica's closet and a tube of epoxy resin later.  Stiles stands in front of Erica's floor length mirror looking at himself in the mirror while Erica guffaws from her perch on the bed. 

Stiles purses his lips.  The costume feels incomplete, that is until Erica tosses him the ears from her last year's Playboy Bunny costume, a costume that had all jaws dropped to the floor.  That is until she opened her mouth, showing off her very real, very terrifying fangs.

Stiles slides on the bunny ear headband but Erica waves him over, pulling her makeup bag out of her purse.  "I'm thinking green eye shadow."  She grins, and who is Stiles to argue with her genius?

Lydia kicked Derek out of his loft in the morning, and as far as Stiles knows, Sourwolf has been sulking it up at the local brew pub.  Thankfully, Stiles managed to get out of decorating the space, that was left to Aiden and Isaac, because Aiden's the boyfriend, and Isaac's the gullible little puppy.

The party's already roaring full blast when Stiles pulls up with Erica in the Jeep.  She quickly ditches him for Boyd, the Greaser to her Pink Lady.  Stiles can't blame her.  Boyd's looking just a little bit too much like a certain _somebody_ in his leather jacket and scowl. 

Stiles looses himself in the crowd, dancing along to the DJ's beats. head bobbing in time with his whipped cream can boobs.  He's alone until Caitlin shows up and starts dancing up behind him, laughing and joking about all the costumes they see.  The vampire pirate sends the two of them into peals of laughter.

The DJ plays a slow song next and Emily steals her girlfriend away from Stiles.  The dance floor fills with slowly swaying couples, Kira and Scott looking perfect together whispering privately in each other's ears.  Erica with her head on Boyd's chest as Boyd kisses her hair.  Lydia guiding Aiden, and Aiden letting her with a rare smile on his face.  Even Isaac managed to find a cute girl to dance with.

Suddenly Stiles doesn't want to be here anymore.  The guy he wants won't ever feel the same way about him and watching all the couples showing how much they care about each other just digs the knife in deeper.  Stiles twirls around, intending on wallflowering it up until the next song.

He almost makes it out of the swarm of couples but a hand wraps around his wrist.  His heart stops and he slowly turns around, wishing to see a certain dark hair stubbled man, but knowing Derek would never be caught at what he would call a "college party."

Stiles is right and his heart sinks at the sight of the vampire pirate, smiling at him, thumb rubbing over Stiles' pulse point.  Stiles schools his disappointed expression into a more open one, this guy doesn't deserve his displeasure.

"Might I have this dance?"  The vampire pirate asks, taking off his hat and bowing with a leg crossed behind the other.  Even his accent is right on as he talks easily around the real looking hypodermic fangs in his mouth.  Stiles is impressed.

Turns out the vampire pirate sure knows his way around the dance floor.  He guides Stiles along in a slow waltz, close, but the whipped cream cans steadily keep room for Jesus.  He's a good teacher and Stiles finds himself laughing along with the easy banter he throws his way. 

Stiles thinks if he wasn't so hung up on Derek he might have given vampire pirate a chance.  As it is, they could be good friends.  He's about to apologize and pull away as the song ends, but vampire pirate takes him by the hand and leads him off the dance floor.  Somehow, Stiles finds himself following even though only a second before he wanted to do no such thing.

Stiles blinks, gently tugging on the hand in his, trying to say he doesn't want to leave as vampire pirate pulls open the door to the loft, leading him outside.

"But I don't wanna go Mr. Bitey."  Stiles slurs, but the newly dubbed Mr. Bitey smiles reassuringly and pulls him over to the elevators.

They're halfway down the street before Stiles knows it and he feels the chill of the cold night in his very bones.  He bare skin breaks out in goosepimples and he stumbles along in Erica's pumps.  Objectively, he knows something is very wrong.  He hasn't drunk anything that could have been drugged, only an unopened bottle of water, but this deliriousness is not natural and he keeps blanking out.

"What's going on?"  He mumbles.

"Shhh..."  Mr. Bitey soothes him, staring deeply into his eyes, before tugging him into an alleyway.  Stiles can hear the skittering of rats and it freaks him out.

Stiles giggles when it hits him that he's thralled, "Oh, I get it.  Wow, vampires really do exist."  Stiles squints into the dark at Mr. Bitey's teeth, noticing they don't even look a little bit like plastic.  "Geez, I'm fucked,"  Stiles sighs, hiccupping as a small laugh comes through.

"Don't worry,"  Mr. Bitey soothes, "this won't hurt a bit.  I just need a little blood, a pint of so, nothing you would miss."  The hypodermic fangs slide out further and seem to thin even more.  They look terrifying, and if Stiles wasn't so messed up he would be screaming and running in the opposite direction.  All he can do is blink at Mr. Bitey slides even closer and pushes him up against the wall.

The weight of his body must nudge the nozzles of the whipped cream cans because all of a sudden they go off, shooting the delicious sugary numminess right into Mr. Bitey's face.  He lets out a high pitched wail and, he swears to God, sizzles like a Fourth of July barbeque, minus the fireworks. 

"Arrr!  It burns!"  Mr. Bitey screams, clawing at his face, somehow still keeping up his pirate accent.  Fortunately, in all the hubbub Mr. Bitey drops whatever mind control power he was using on Stiles because his senses flood back to him like a wave.  Scowling in anger Stiles brings his leg up and knees Mr. Bitey right in the balls. 

"Take that you vampire pirate scum!"  He shouts, just as Mr. Bitey groans, cupping his family jewels in agony.  Stiles grips the nipple nozzles and squirts another flood of whipping cream at the vampire pirate.  He turns on his heels and tries to make a mad dash for freedom, maybe call on one of the werewolves for backup.

He's almost home free but an arm wraps around his neck and Stiles lets out a manly shriek as he's dragged back into the alleyway.  Mr. Bitey mumbles to himself as he pushes Stiles up against the cold brick wall of the alleyway, keeping his hands trapped over his head, away from the nipple nozzles.  "All I wanted was a little blood, is that too much to ask?  The whole year I have to drink nothing but pig, but here I am deciding to treat myself for officially getting off human blood for a year, even my straight laced addiction sponsor would have agreed that I deserve a treat-"

"Uh, that's not how addiction works..."

Mr. Bitey continues like he never even heard Stiles, _rude_. 

"All the humans get candy, why can't I have a candy flavoured human?"  Mr. Bitey honestly pouts and stares at Stiles like he is expecting him to answer.

Stiles swallows, throat bobbing, but when Mr. Bitey's eyes follow his Adam's apple Stiles' heart speeds up.  Clearing his throat, he says, "because it isn't a reward, it's a relapse."

He frowns, "what?"

Stiles struggles to come up with the words that might save his life.  "Well, it's umm, because, uh, you're saying human blood is like a drug to you, right?"  Mr. Bitey nods, "then drinking even a drop of the horribly addicting stuff straight from the source, a.k.a. my skinny, sweaty neck, would be like rendering all the amazing work you've done in the past year moot.  All your progress would fly right out the window."

"Right out the window, you say?"

Stiles nods his head rapidly, "Come on, you don't wanna have to go back home and write a big fat zero on your days sober whiteboard.  You wanna write a big, fat, sexy numero 366."

Mr. Bitey hums in agreement.  "It is pretty sexy."

"Right?!"  Stiles adds hysterically, sensing that he is so close to escaping tonight with his life, all the vampire pirate needs is just a little more prodding.

"Hmm."  Mr. Bitey taps at his lip with one clawed finger.

Stiles smiles encouragingly.

"But you smell so fucking delicious, it's worth a zero."  Mr. Bitey leans closer, nose flaring and Stiles winces,  squeezing his eyes tight, waiting for the burst of pain, but it never comes.  Instead a growl fills the alleyway and thumps sound before Mr. Bitey is violently ripped from Stiles.  He stumbles on shaky legs, trying to regain his footing as he watches Derek and Mr. Bitey launch themselves at each other's throats.

Stiles runs to the rescue, hands gripping the cans.  He has the perfect position so he lets loose and fires the cans, thumbing the nozzles, coating Mr. Bitey in a thick layer of whipping cream.  The alley fills with his outraged hisses and steam pours off his skin in waves.

"Arrg, and I could have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling-"

Derek's fist comes out of nowhere, knocking Mr. Bitey out like a light.  He lies face first on the ground and Stiles nudges him with a heel but he doesn't awaken.  Hopefully he's learned his lesson.

Stiles glances back up at Derek.  "You couldn't have waited until he at least finished the sentence?  If he said 'kids' it would have fulfilled every single one of my childhood fantasies."

Derek levels him with a dead stare and Stiles sticks out his tongue, "spoilsport."  He pouts just before accidently nudging his left boob can of whipped cream, sending a spurt of the stuff flying in Derek's direction.  Stiles watches with wide eyes as the processed sugar curves in an arc and splatters, rather pornographically, all over Derek's face.

Derek blinks, stunned.  A glob of the stuff falls off his brow and drips through his lashes and Stiles is very much not thinking dirty thoughts.  Okay, maybe a few cross his mind, but that all disappears when Derek's jaw drops open in a snarl, pointy teeth contained within looking like they want to bury themselves in Stiles' neck.  In a very non dirty way.

Stiles squeaks and takes off in a gallop.  Who knew heels are actually pretty okay for running in.

The only clue he has that Derek's chasing after him is the aura of anger radiating off of him in waves.  The whole pack could probably feel it all the way back in the loft.  Derek's going to murder him, with a capital _M_.  After catching him, biting him, and maybe gnawing a little bit. 

"Stiles!"  Derek growls. 

Or a lot.

Derek wraps surprisingly gentle arms around his waist, stopping him right in his tracks.  His palm feels warm against Stiles' chilled skin and relief runs through his body because Derek just saved his life, he doubts he's going to kill him now.  Derek spins him around and looks him over,  "what the hell are you wearing?"  He asks incredulously, obviously just noticing Stiles' costume.

Stiles strikes a pose, "don't I look good?"  he asks.  When Derek doesn't say anything he scratches the back of his neck, nervous as Derek does nothing but stare.  His eyes travel from Stiles' face to the bra and then even further down.  Stiles watches, wide eyed, as Derek's ears turn red when he looks at Stiles' stomach.  His brows furrow adorably as he processes the newly minted abs decorating Stiles' torso.  Stiles worked hard for those, and Derek's pink ears just made all of that time in the gym worth it.

Stiles pats his stomach, "Lydia got me a membership for my birthday."

Derek swallows, looking up and meeting Stiles' eyes, "are you wearing eyeshadow?"

"Yeah, but it's stupid,"  Stiles rubs at the offending colour but Derek quickly grabs his wrist.

"Don't."

"Why?"

"Just don't."  Derek says, quickly letting go of Stiles' wrist like it's burned him.  "You ask too many questions."

"I'm a naturally curious guy."  Stiles shrugs, noticing a small bit of whipped cream is about to fall into Derek's eye.  He quickly swipes it out of the way before gravity gets the chance to work its magic.  "Sorry about the, you know."  Stiles points to his bra.

Derek sighs and reaches into his jacket, pulling out a handkerchief which he uses to wipe over his face.  _Derek Hale uses hankies_.  Stiles doesn't know what to think.

"Come here."  Derek says, and Stiles steps forward only for Derek lick the hankie, grasp his chin, and start wiping the makeup away.  Stiles tries to meet his eye, but it's like Derek's trying to avoid it.  "There."  He says, when he finishes, "You smudged it when you wiped it, it's better now."

"You didn't remove it?"

Derek shakes his head.  "I just fixed what was smudged."

"Oh."

"It's very nice.  I mean it suits you."  Derek says gruffly.

"Thanks, I guess."  Stiles licks his lips, but makes a face when he tastes the strawberry lip-gloss Erica smeared on his mouth.  Derek's eyes dip down to his lips and they seem to follow the path of his tongue, lingering a few moments longer than necessary.

"Fuck it."  Derek says, grabbing both of Stiles' whipped cream can boobs, using them to pull Stiles closer.  They press to the side, allowing Derek to get right up in his face and then kiss him, because that's a thing they apparently do now.  _Kiss_ , not grab each other's fake boobs.

Derek licks along the seam of Stiles' lips and he quickly gets with the program, opening his mouth and allowing Derek access.  When Derek bites his bottom lip, sucking on it before running his tongue over the bite, that's it.  Stiles can't take anymore.  He pushes Derek away, but keeps a hand wrapped tight around his.  Derek looks away like he wants to bolt, eyes wide and shocked like he can't believe he kissed Stiles only a second ago.

"It's just that these pants don't really hide anything."  Stiles sheepishly explains, adjusting himself in the leggings.  He couldn't wear underwear without fear of it showing, but now his burgeoning hard-on is showing. 

Derek looks over Stiles and his eyes move further down than they've ever gone before and turns a brilliant shade of red.

Stiles smirks. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Midterms are almost over and I'm looking forward to getting back to writing Bruises and Hickies, yay!


End file.
